Well, it's been over a year since I have even looked at this blog. I'm fairly certain I haven't even thought about it in that amount of time, but lately I have been feeling like I need to start recording my life somewhere. I've experimented with paper diaries more times than I can count and I've always struggled to keep up with them. It makes me a little sad that I can never commit to that because there's something so much more personal about a physical representation of a life, but alas, I recognize that I have lost the fight with that. I started looking for diary/journal apps, and I didn't feel committed enough to actually purchase something the record my thoughts on. Then this little space came to mind and since I am fairly certain no one really reads this this may be a good place to start. So here I am...
The past couple of years have been quite the whirlwind. I've done a lot of growing, changing, and developing. I think that I have been fighting this strange battle against myself for quite sometime and I feel like I'm finally nearing the end of that. The only thing that seems appropriate at this moment is me putting a #winning on like everything. I know, that's about as cliche as I can get, but it's a thing for me I guess. I'll try not to rub it in...
At this exact moment (2:54 pm on Monday November 24th) I am sitting across from the gelato case at Coffee Waves in good ole CC. Maybe this is why I feel this overwhelming feeling of nostalgia. I mean, this place holds a lot of memories. Actually, CC holds a lot of memories that I believe have defined my entire existence. I often think back to those days when Courtney, Kait, and I would sit on the beach eating pizza and dreaming about the future. It's funny to think that we are now living on the other side of that and I think no one has the life they were dreaming about. That's the thing though, everything we were dreaming about became a lot less important to us. We discovered that we wanted more than those simple dreams. Bigger and better things came our way. Don't get me wrong, life has been anything less than easy. I'm kinda blown away by how stressful, difficult, and scary life can be. Lately, all of these super cliche quotes have been coming to mind. "The end justifies the means" and "nothing worth doing is easy". I laugh because this is totally not me to spout out all these quotes in the moments that call for them, but sometimes they just make more sense than you want them too.
I guess what I am trying to get at is that there's something about us dreamers. I've never been content with just being. In fact, I've never been "content" with anything. There's always something else. Sometimes I wonder if this is selfish of me. Is it bad that I always want to do and be more? But then I remind myself that I have the ability to do something beautiful and inherently good. I have been blessed with talents that can uplift others. I've been blessed with a mind that is focused on creating. It's scary how easy it is for me to forget that. It's scary how easy it is for me to think badly of myself. This is the fight we all fight. Am I right?
This photo pretty much sums up my life right now, but more especially the past three weeks. I laugh (and weep) when I look at this photo because this was actually taken Halloween night. I literally did nothing for Halloween. Actually, that's not true. I went to a Halloween dance but left like five minutes later because it sucked and I didn't have a costume and I had a crap ton of homework. So my pal Jess and I headed to the library and actually had a pretty good time
This semester I am trying really hard to dive into school and stay on top of things. At the beginning of the semester I told myself, "Carli, don't be stressed." I am actually quite surprised about how well that has worked. I have noticed that my "long" and "terrible" days are actually fairly "ok" days. Sometimes even "good" days. Maybe it is because I like the things I am learning, or something like that? Who knows...
What I am trying to get at is that as rough as college is, I love it. At the end of the day I am always so proud of what I have accomplished and learned. Oh, by the way... I got into my major! If you have been reading this blog for a while, you might remember how many times I changed my major/was worried about getting into a major. It is such a relief to not have to worry about that crap anymore. Like, for reals. Now I just have to worry about graduating...
(Accidental photo that ended up being double exposure, and pretty awesome.)
It has been a little too long since I have posted anything here. That's ok though, because I am sure no one has even noticed. Sometimes I think about blogging and then don't. Sometimes I type out a blog post and then delete it. I don't know why. Maybe it is because I don't feel like I have much to say. I would be surprised if I even publish this. So if you happen to be reading this... well, cool.
The other day I was studying at the library. Well, I wasn't really studying because I was on Facebook. It happens... I don't know what I clicked, but I accidentally clicked something and it took me to page that shows me what my newsfeed looked like a year ago that day. The first thing that popped up was a picture of one of my good friends leaving for his mission. That day was a pretty big deal to me, and to him. I freaked out because I couldn't even begin to understand how a year had already passed! I got home later that night and I looked at the picture on my wall of my friend and I from that day. I looked at me in that picture and just said, "If you only knew what is ahead of you." Then I laughed to myself. This past year was HARD. There were nights where I literally couldn't sleep because I was sick with stress about, school, work, family, my future, etc. There were days where I literally just wanted to hide under a rock. There were so many phone calls to my mom (I literally used all my minutes on my phone one month... does that even happen?!). There were a lot of tears. I spent a lot of time hating myself for not being good enough, skinny enough, smart enough, pretty enough, and the list goes on. After I thought about all that crap, I realized something. Something that should be sooooooo much more obvious than it is. I am so incredibly blessed. Yeah, it was hard and it sucked sometimes, but this year has been one of the best. I have done so much growing that I hardly even recognize some of the things I have posted on this blog. I was so naive.
If I could write a letter to the me in that picture I would say so many things. Maybe I will write a letter... Here it goes,
"Hey there. You probably think you don't know me, but you know me way more than you think. I know you think that you know it all, but don't count on that. Your plans are going to change so much. You are going to feel lost, alone, and disappointed. You are going to feel a lot of pain, regret, and sadness. Don't worry though, you will feel immense amounts of happiness and love too. Right when you are about to break something will make you whole again. Trust me when I say, it gets better. You start to love yourself more. You get smarter. You find a major. You get into that major. You meet some of the greatest people to walk the earth. You make a lot of progress. You are happy. Just wait a little longer and you will be there. When I say there, I don't mean THERE. THERE takes a lifetime. There is a place where you know that you are on the right path. You feel strong, confident, and loved. Look forward to the next year. It will be one of the best you ever had."
Sorry, not sorry. This post was a long sappy drawn out whatever. It wasn't for you. It was for me. I think I just needed to--actually, I don't have to explain myself. If you did read this, cool. Thanks for reading and come again? I hope to post a bit more often, but this isn't going to one of those blogs where I pretend my life is perfect when I know it is not. I am only saying that because this blog used to be a place where I pretended my life was perfect and worried about followers and crap like that. I don't care about that anymore. This blog is for me. If for some reason you are inspired by what I have to say, you are welcome anytime. :)
Four years ago today I was baptized and became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It was, by far, the best decision I have ever made. I have received so many wonderful blessings because of that decision and my continued faithful and righteous pursuits. My testimony is continually strengthened and I have found myself doing things that I thought weren't even possible for me. I recognize God's hand in my life, and I am so grateful for the people He has placed on my path to help me shine. I have come so far in the past four years and I shudder to think about where I would be without the church in my life. It has given me the strongest of foundations to build my life upon. This is my testimony.
Not that this photo has anything to do with the topic, but we all hate it when blog posts have no pictures. Am I right?
When this video came out last month I literally watched it over and over again. Then the other day I rediscovered it and watched it some more. Then, just now I rediscovered it and I had to share. Because this has literally been my latest/reoccurring obsession.