Dear Diary

Well, it's been over a year since I have even looked at this blog. I'm fairly certain I haven't even thought about it in that amount of time, but lately I have been feeling like I need to start recording my life somewhere. I've experimented with paper diaries more times than I can count and I've always struggled to keep up with them. It makes me a little sad that I can never commit to that because there's something so much more personal about a physical representation of a life, but alas, I recognize that I have lost the fight with that. I started looking for diary/journal apps, and I didn't feel committed enough to actually purchase something the record my thoughts on. Then this little space came to mind and since I am fairly certain no one really reads this this may be a good place to start. So here I am...

Dear Diary,
The past couple of years have been quite the whirlwind. I've done a lot of growing, changing, and developing. I think that I have been fighting this strange battle against myself for quite sometime and I feel like I'm finally nearing the end of that. The only thing that seems appropriate at this moment is me putting a #winning on like everything. I know, that's about as cliche as I can get, but it's a thing for me I guess. I'll try not to rub it in...

At this exact moment (2:54 pm on Monday November 24th) I am sitting across from the gelato case at Coffee Waves in good ole CC. Maybe this is why I feel this overwhelming feeling of nostalgia. I mean, this place holds a lot of memories. Actually, CC holds a lot of memories that I believe have defined my entire existence. I often think back to those days when Courtney, Kait, and I would sit on the beach eating pizza and dreaming about the future. It's funny to think that we are now living on the other side of that and I think no one has the life they were dreaming about. That's the thing though, everything we were dreaming about became a lot less important to us. We discovered that we wanted more than those simple dreams. Bigger and better things came our way. Don't get me wrong, life has been anything less than easy. I'm kinda blown away by how stressful, difficult, and scary life can be. Lately, all of these super cliche quotes have been coming to mind. "The end justifies the means" and "nothing worth doing is easy". I laugh because this is totally not me to spout out all these quotes in the moments that call for them, but sometimes they just make more sense than you want them too.

I guess what I am trying to get at is that there's something about us dreamers. I've never been content with just being. In fact, I've never been "content" with anything. There's always something else. Sometimes I wonder if this is selfish of me. Is it bad that I always want to do and be more? But then I remind myself that I have the ability to do something beautiful and inherently good. I have been blessed with talents that can uplift others. I've been blessed with a mind that is focused on creating. It's scary how easy it is for me to forget that. It's scary how easy it is for me to think badly of myself. This is the fight we all fight. Am I right?


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